20 TYPES OF MEN WE KNOW & LOVE
2016 has been the year that Kate Robertson and i ventured with fresh faces into the world of tinder, dating, and love - while simultaniously tryng to balance a healthy diet with copius pints.
Apart from getting moderate RSI in our thumbs from swiping left, we met and loved some great men. We chatted, we cried with laughter, and conferred with our girlfriends - that you'll likely run into these men at some point in your young life.
1. THE STEALTHY FUCKBOY
Doesn’t dress like he fell out of an Area 51 editorial, so you think you’ve found a winner. You’re willing to look past the board shorts and Cotton On hoodie because he’s charming and knows his way around a craft beer menu. Probably plays social football and works for a government department. But the tricks he knows in the bedroom aren’t those of a good boy, and he’ll drop you harder than any one of those Wellington coffee boys. Favours ghosting because he lacks the integrity to cut you off properly.
2. YOUR BEST MATE
The first time you met you were convinced it was true love. He’s cute, there’s chemistry, and you have an unhealthy amount of shared interests, but you quickly realise that having a platonic best friend is the greatest thing in the world and can’t just shag him. Like the older brother many of us never had, he’ll help you filter out the trash on Tinder (even though he knows you won’t listen), help you move house, protect you from creeps in da club, and hold you after a breakup.
When you eventually get drunk and make out five years down the line it will either end in marriage, or be brushed aside as a weird thing you did one time that you’re both quite happy to forget and move on from, because besties.
3. THE ONE YOU DONT WANT
They say beggars can’t be choosers, but let’s be real here - we’re all picky as fuck. You bitch and moan about no one giving you the time of day, then the second a really keen one comes out of the woodwork you run a mile. “NO COMMITMENT HERE. NOPE! PLEASE DON’T LOOK AT ME! I AM A MASSIVE SWAMP BEAST.” He’ll worship the ground you walk on, and you wish you loved him, but you just don’t.
4. THE LOVELY BUT DULL AF
You can take him home to meet your mum, but you ain’t visiting Orgasm City anytime soon. This train stops at “But he’s so cute” station and that’s it.
Cut your losses and gap it.
5. TRADITIONAL FUCKBOY
If you need us to explain this you’re probably reading the wrong blog.
6. THE EMPLOYED FUCKBOY
Usually very attractive, smiley and annoyingly charming. Makes you feel cute and perhaps they give you some free shit occasionally. You feel hot, then you realise that they are paid to make every customer feel that way so you come back and buy more stuff. Do not fall for it, but feel free to enjoy it.
Examples: Memphis Belle boys, Kaffee Eis boys, Red Bull boys.
7. THE IN DENIAL PLAYER
Is adamant that he’s not a shithead, while simultaneously acting like every other shithead out.
Will literally do everything a boyfriend will do, yet bail at the first sign of ‘The Talk,’ but not because he’s a cunt, because he “has emotional issues” or “doesn’t want to hurt you”.
The IDP does all the same shitty things as a fuckboy but makes it seem like he’s doing it because he cares about you.
The actual worst.
8. THE LAD
Excessive partying and copious drinking are the backbone of this man’s existence. Has mad love for his mates and could potentially be misconstrued as slightly homoerotic from a distance.
Uses hashtags like #lads #boysnight, #broesbeforehoes and #otp.
Inherently not a bad person, just don’t expect them to settle down anytime soon. The boys always come first.
Will make objectifying comments whenever one of his fellow lads befriends a pretty girl on Facebook.
Sick polo collection.
9. THE ROLE MODEL
They’re everything you hope to one day be and you have no idea what they see in you, but they take you under their wing and it’s the absolute best thing ever. They give you constructive feedback, are your biggest cheerleader, and scrape you off the ground after a sea of rejections.
It’s a kind of sincere and genuine caring that is so goddamn hard to find, and so easy to mistake for romantic feels.
Much like the hot PE teacher in high school, they probably aren’t on the same wavelength as you. They just want to help you become the best version of you possible.
Melt your heart kind of beautiful, but try not to fall for them because the feelings probably aren't mutual. Synonyms: mentor, employer, lecturer.
10. THE BAD DAD
The bad Dad will take advantage of your age and naive world view. Probably not that good looking, but all it took was a night out at a fancy restaurant and you’re under his spell (“like, he wouldn’t even let me pay half”). You’ve been screwed over by so many 21-year old dudebros that you’re convinced this must be how it works, like Amal and George or Calista and Harrison.
Nope, he’ll break your heart harder than the rest of ‘em. Stay away.
11. THE DAD DAD
The Dad you could never see in any other light than a Dad. He’s fun, cracks a mean joke, probably has kids, and the thought of pashing him makes you dry wretch. The Dad Dad can be a hot babe, but is so deep in the Dad-zone you just want him to give you some advice every now and then, and tell you he’s proud of you.
Note: Kate is in the market for an Auckland Dad Dad.
12. THE CLINGER
Sorry, but I’m hustling on my career Monday through Friday, so you need to be okay with me only wanting to see you on weekends or when I’ve got my period and am needy as fuck.
13. YOUR THIRST FOLLOW(S)
You followed them on Insta/Twitter/Snapchat because you were being a thirsty lil minx. You get drunk and slide into their DMs, only to regret it immediately the following morning, because no great love story began with a poorly executed DM slide. You want to favourite every post they make, but know you can’t because you don’t wanna freak them out. So you go one worse, you lurk, like the true creep you are.
14. SOCIALLY AWARE DUDEBRO
A Wellington special, he’ll preach about feminism like he’s leading the revolution, only to criticise Lena Dunham’s dedication to the cause the second she puts a foot out of line. He’s left-wing, loves public transport, and ferments things you didn’t even know could be fermented. A serial mansplainer hiding beneath a Sociology/Anthropology major, he’ll date you for a week, only to cut you off because his creative projects are too taxing and he’s ‘burnt out’.
Boo fucking hoo mate.
15. THE SNAPCHAT BF
Either you live in different cities or you know he’s bad news, but you’re each other’s best friends on Snapchat, and sometimes that’s all the attention you want or need. Lil yellow heart ftw.
16. THE ONE THAT ONLY WANTS WHAT HE CANT HAVE
We all know the one, always wanting what he can’t have. It’s like when a kid sees another kid with a toy, THEY want the toy. But as soon as the toy is single and keen, suddenly he’s not in a place for commitment and it’s just ‘wrong timing’.
17. THE NICE GUY
And by this I mean, he thinks he’s a nice guy.
Will bitch and moan about being stuck in the friend zone while simultaneously hitting on any woman he knows and using general friendliness as a crutch for his emotional fuckery. Likely loves bad poetry, Joss Whedan movies, and still thinks graphic t shirts are a good idea.
Will tell you he is happy to be your friend, then get drunk and profess his love and desire to stick his dick inside you.
18. THE BOOTY CALL
Generally a lovely person, but has no real long lasting potential and you both know it. Is happy to come around for booty and cuddles then leave again into the night so you don’t have to share your bed space with anyone.
10/10 top bloke, great friend.
19. THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
Could be an ex, a friend, someone you ogled on the bus for 20 minutes: but they had so much POTENTIAL. You spend a great deal of time (an embarrassing amount) thinking of what could have been, how you were sure that things would be different with them. Maybe you’re still friends and you pine for them over snapchat or stalk their new girlfriend on Instagram at 3am.
Rose coloured glasses are strong but trust me, they are better to be a ‘what if’ - grass isn’t always greener.
20. THE DREAMBOAT
Brings you food when your uterus is trying to murder you from the inside out, always texts you back, is great in bed, tags you in memes, and is always up to go on adventures with you - no matter how fucking lunatic they are.
Lock it down asap.