MAKE 2017 A BIT LESS SHIT
Hi friends. It's me, your token slobby millennial.
Hear ye hear ye, I do proclaim that 2016 was a piece of shit. It's nothing new, everyone agrees, yadda yadda.
I guess this is the time of the year where fame hungry bloggers and Insta famous people churn out the advice and the lessons they learned, because you should suckle at their rose gold teat then maybe one day you will be as #woke and #blessed as they are. - but this won't be one of those posts.
I may be a little bit of slob, but on the odd occasion, I have some of my shit together. I'm not better, smarter, more put together, happier - than any of you. I'm pretty fucking normal and I hate condescending lists about how to improve yourself.
All this is, is me sharing some shit that I personally think is good practise for life and love and a happy brain.
Let's get ruthless:
1. ACCEPT THAT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA DOESNT HAVE TO BE FUCKING PERFECT.
Accept that unless your social media is for work/you get paid per post - no one cares about your thousands of hashtags, no one cares if the filter on that photo doesn't match the aesthetic of your insta layout, and no one really cares about your thousandth cup of coffee against a white wall.
In 2017, I'm embracing the fact that my social media should just be for me - it is gonna be an authentic view of the shit that I call my life. Being representative of who you are is pretty fucking nice, and I don't want to look back on my old instagram posts in future and be like, "Why the fuck did I care about that average cup of coffee".
2. Be smarter at dating.
I've done my dash on tinder and in dating, and I've learned a lot. The thing that struck me the most is honestly how reckless people are with their safety, and with their feelings. Holy fucking SHIT some things should just be common sense.
In 2017, take BETTER care of yourself when dating. Don't let someone you don't know meet you at your home. Don't let someone you don't know have a drink waiting for you before you're there (roofies). Don't ghost people for fucks sakes. Always tell someone where you're going. Don't let any fuckboy or fuckgirl string you along.
It's not cool or funny or chill to get drugged or kidnapped or stalked or ignored.
3. Stop kissing so much ass.
I'm not talking about eating ass, you do you boo, I'm just meaning - why are we all caring so much about being super likeable to everyone?
There will always be people that don't like you, people that don't mesh with you, people that don't support the things you do - let them. It's embarrassing to see people repeatedly kiss someones ass, then go bitch about them later.
Enough - give less fucks.
4. Mentors are useful and lovely and you should get one.
I found a few awesome women and men to help me with my life and work and have clutched them to my feeble chest and held on for dear life, much like a parasite with statement earrings on.
Getting help from someone that is older and wiser is so beneficial, and it pays to have someone who will tell you when you're being a overdramatic child and to buck up and get on with it.
Twitter is great for this.
5. Blend yo effing make up.
I don't have anything more to add to this one.
6. Keep your brain running smoothly.
I'm going to make a real effort to stop reading so many memes and read real shit instead. Watch insightful stuff, go to some plays, listen to live music, etcetera etcetera. Then you can balance out the memes.
7. Stop pretending you dont care.
If you care if someone dates other people, don't say you're fine with it. If you don't like onions, don't just sit and sulk cause someone served you onions. If you don't like something your partner does in sex, don't just deal with it.
You cannot be mad if you are not upfront. Enough with the fuckery.
8. STOP STALKING YOUR EXES AND YOUR EXES NEW PARTNERS ONLINE
Or in real life too, that's not great either. Honestly though, who does this help?
I know his new gf has a lopsided face and you feel great about that and of COURSE they have definitely downgraded, but maybe we should just stop being such creeps.
9. Say No more and say Yes more
At your own discretion. Exercise your ability to say FUCK NO i don't want to go to that, I want to go home and binge watch Puppy SuperBowl and exercise your ability to say FUCK YES I actually do care about this cause and I don't give a rats ass if you don't.
Make your own decisions and be your own human. You are in charge of yourself, and as cheesy as this sounds you can actually do some fun shit on your own if you have to.
You can take these pearlers however you please. You can write to me and tell me to fuck off, I get it regularly.
2017 will probably be full of bad times just as this year was, but take a step on your own and at least make sure you can say you tried your fucking hardest to make it great.
Oh, a few last tips - always bring your own condoms, always say thank you to bus drivers, and you can never go wrong with a good lipstick or a good cry on the floor.