IGNORE ALL THIS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Just because no one reads Cosmo magazine anymore, because no one reads magazines, doesn’t mean that the endless array of shitty relationship advice has gone to the grave with it. 

I swear, every damn day I see Buzzfeed posts, or ripped off memes, or lifestyle bloggers doling out the relationship advice like painkillers on a Sunday morning. People with hashtag goals relationships and people whose boyfriend did the dishes one time telling you to ‘don’t act too keen! Men don’t like that’ and you’re like, what? Pretending not to be keen will make him keen? It doesn’t fucking add up, Ashlyn or Nevaeh or Karen whatever your name is. 

There is real advice, and then there is shitty Instagram advice. Here is all the shitty Instagram advice that you need to ignore, my hunnies.


"Wait *rando amount of time* to message back. And definitely never, EVER double text. You’ll look desperate."


Men absolutely do not notice how many minutes it took you to text back. They do NOT. They don’t look at their phone and be like ‘She didn’t text back for 30 minutes, so I’m going to wait 31 minutes.’
That’s not how shit works okay? Text back when you want to text back! IT’S NOT SCIENCE PEOPLE.

I’m not saying spam them with messages every 2 minutes if they aren’t texting back, but shit girl - sending another text isn’t going to put you on a register somewhere. 

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"Be chill." 


Chill can fuck right off. I’m not going to pretend to not care about stuff, I’m not going to pretend to like the same things he likes, I’m not going to be the ‘cool gf’. No, just be your normal self - and if that’s a neurotic crazy woman, then that’s just the hands you’re dealt fam.

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"Flirt with someone else. If he loves you/is into you/is serious then he should fight for you/get jealous."


This is just straight up stupid. Like, the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Don’t test people because 9/10 times, It will blow up in your face because it’s goddamn disrespectful.

 

"Don’t sleep with them too soon!"


How about, just sleep with them when you actually want to sleep with them huh. You can try before you buy, or you can lock it down first. There’s no rules to this, I never understood why this was a thing. If a man looks down on you for sleeping with him too early, well HE WAS THERE TOO SOOOO.

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"Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s just busy/unavailable/going through some things/his aunt died three years ago okay!"


This is a typical response from friends. They’re there to make you feel better about the situation, not necessarily give you the harsh truth when you’re blubbering into a dominoes stuffed crust about why he hasn’t snapchat you back.

If he wants to talk to you; he will.
If he wants to see you; he will.
If he’s busy and can’t talk; he’ll probably tell you.
If he wants to stop talking as much; guess what? He’ll stop talking as much!


I know it’s not always black & white, there are grey areas where he might actually be our of range or busy or his phone died etc etc, but the general rule of ‘If he’s interested, you’ll know’ has worked pretty well for me in the past.
 

"Post a picture LOOKING HOT so he’ll see it but don’t actually send it to him."


Okay, this one works 9/10 times. Thirst traps are the business. Learn, appreciate, master.

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