28 THINGS YOU'VE DEFINITELY DONE IF YOU'RE A MILLENNIAL-ISH WOMAN
I live with 5 other women. The people that read this blog are predominately women, in their twenties (haaayyy). I spend a lot of time with, and speaking to women is what I'm trying to say basically.
So, I feel like without jumping to huge generalisations, I know that weird things I think and do, are DEFINITELY done by other people. It's human nature to be a bit odd, and especially when you're on your own. The outside world might give off the impression that you're that creepy weird girl because sometimes you narrate yourself cooking dinner like you're on a cooking show but I'M HERE TO SAY NO.
After some heavy wine drunk chats, and plenty of tweets - I accumulated a list of weird and wonderful things that people shared with me and I'm here to share them with you so you know, that you are definitely not alone.
- Held your boobs up to where you *want* them to be, and then watched them flop back down and you just stare at them in defeat.
Repeat approx 5 times.
- Sat at your desk listening to a lower ranked or similarly ranked male employee talk at you and wondering if he gets paid more than you. Then feeling like you need a liquid lunch because theres a high chance he might be.
- Exuberantly proclaimed to your single friends that you will NEVER be one of those girls that are obsessed with their man when they finally get in a relationship. Then you definitely become one. Whoops.
- Encounter someone making a joke about smelly or weird looking vaginas, and gone home in a panic to google "what are vaginas meant to smell like".
- Tried to shave or wax your chacha hair into a shape, or at least a tidy landing strip - then immediately fuck it up and take it all off in a huff.
- Stood there in your bra and a pair of tights and thought 'This is a LOOK, I wish I could go out like this', then reluctantly continue getting dressed because society isn't ready for that type of outfit.
- Seriously contemplated whether you were pregnant when your period is late, even though you haven't had sex for over a year. You could deffo be the next virgin mary.
- Took a full minute to contemplate complaining when a barista or shop assistant calls you sweetie or hun, then decide against it because you know it won't get taken seriously because it's 'harmless'.
- You've definitely had random boob pains and wondered if that meant you had boob cancer.
- Done the awkward, and always uncomfortable dash to the bathroom with your thighs smashed shut after sex. Because you're so paranoid about UTI's you have to pee it out IMMEDIATELY.
- Used various items like toothpicks, post it notes, bobby pins, and food wrappers to dig dirt out from under your nails.
- Googled 'how much blood is in a period' because it is DEFINITELY NOT 40 MLS. Honestly, what the actual fuck is that measurement, is it a measurement for ANTS.
- Put a playlist of sassy music like The Weeknd on and spent the entire night in your room putting excessive make up on and wearing nice undies and taking thirst traps.
- Desperately prayed that a someone doesn't sit next to you on public transport because you spend your time trying to take up as little space as possible, and then you have to deal with man spreaders and people that touch your legs with their legs. Ugh.
- Seriously contemplated selling protein powder or waist trainers on instagram so you wouldn't have to go to work anymore.
- Caught yourself looking at more women's bums than men and wondering if that makes you a pervert.
- Wondered if you were in Destinys Child what child you would be.
- You've definitely contemplated why you've begun to find older men attractive, and seriously considered whether Joe Biden is attractive or you just agree with his policies.
- Had to deal with someone lecturing you about either: birth control, your reproductive rights, or your views on marriage.
- Download, the delete, then redownload Tinder in one night.
- Watched approximately 20 'how to contour' instagram videos, gone out and bought a weird beauty blender and the right stuff, then never actually attempt to contour.
- Had a cry because you feel extremely overweight, spend the night looking up bootcamps or gyms in your area and make a promise to get yourself in shape. Then waking up in the morning and deciding that god made you the way you are, and fuck it you can get sex looking like this anyway, everything is good. NEVA MIND.
- Arrived at the gym and realising that you've forgotten to shave your armpits, so you spend the class with tiny t rex arms smashed to your sides, and occasionally feeling the breeze waft through your stubble.
- Had a SUPER SERIOUS ANGRY moment when you renounce all men and declare your intentions to become 'just fucking celibate or something'.
- You've sat in a cafe or restaurant on your own and wondered if this was going to be the time where a handsome stranger will approach you and fall in love with you. Then you realise that you inherently avoid people and you definitely don't want randoms approaching you.
- Wondered whether that feeling in your pants was your period arriving, annoying discharge, or if you're just really sweaty. You waddle off to the bathroom to check with your hands covering your bum just in case.
- You've definitely blow dried your vagina after a shower at some point, just to see if it worked.
- Had a moment where you get a bit emotional when you think of all the fucking great women in your life and how grateful you are to have them, and you immediately want to plan a BYO or a cocktail night to celebrate them.
Then you don't do it, because you're shit at following through with plans.