HOW TO: GET THE EFF OVER A BREAK UP

*CUE AKON 'LONELY' IN THE BACKGROUND.*

 

Your ex is shit. My ex is shit. Okay maybe not all exes are shit, but there is that period of time where you’re totally allowed to wish that they get hit by a bus and die.

And I’m here to tell you, that’s okay.

 

If you google ‘how to get over a breakup’, you will get approximately 300,000,000 results in 0.87 seconds (actual number). The top results from Wikihow and Cosmopolitan don’t exactly inflict a sense of encouragement and fierceness - they kind of make me want to poke my eyeballs out and play golf with them.

 

Everyone always tells you to FEEEEL your feelings, and IT JUST MEANS THERE’S SOMETHING BETTER COMING ALONG! As if those semi heartfelt, generic cliches are mean to fix the feeling of being stabbed in your heart that’s there about 23 hours a day.

 

Look, I just don't care about that. 

 

All I wanted when I had a really awful breakup, was a lot of beer and to get super skinny so I could take photos for instagram and write EAT SHIT FUCKFACE THIS IS WHAT YOU GAVE UP in the caption. 

But eventually you need some help, cause like, what the fuck do you do now? One moment you're organising to go to the farmers market and get brunch on Sunday with the love of your life, the next moment you're hysterically sobbing into your smashed avocado and ruining about $18 worth of food that could be used on a house deposit. 

 

Heres what you do to get the fuck over someone: 

 

1. Every time you want to text or call them, write a list of everything you hate about them.

I did this one a LOT. Open the notes app and just list off one by one, alllll the shit that used to drive you up the wall. Remember how they used to clip their toe nails in public? Or how bad their orgasm face was. How they always wore shit clothing, or still hung out with their ex. 

When you break up, everything seems great when you look back at it. It takes so long to actually remember the bad parts, so use the irrational need to stay in contact, to force yourself to remember bad things. 

 

2. DO SOME THINGS THAT THEY HATE. 

My ex used to hate me going out drinking, used to hate being at large events, basically just anything social. He also hated watching netflix. I know, what a complete wank. 

So when I got dumped, I used this time to do all the things that I couldn't do when I was with him.

*Note: I say couldn't because he was an emotionally abusive person and I was not really allowed to do much, in case it caused a fight. This was NOT healthy and NOT okay, and if you feel like your partner doesn't allow you to do things - please talk to someone and get some help regarding abusive relationships. I recommend http://areyouok.org.nz/ 

Go out! Have fun with people that you like and are kind to you!Watch trash TV! Go stand up paddle boarding, I dont know. Remember why you used to like doing those things, and remember that you can now do whatever the fuck you want, your life is 100% about you. Be selfish as fuck. 

 

3. BREAK, TRASH, OR THROW OUT SOME SHIT. 

This one may be slightly controversial, but it worked for me. I needed to get some rage out, so I got some really ugly plates and glasses and went outside and got very Greek for a moment. Other alternatives that feel nice are: burning or ripping up photos, donating the gifts they gave you, returning the gifts they gave you to them but in a trashed state (lol). Boxing classes are good for this, would also recommend weight lifting.

 

4. BUY FANCY UNDIES OR A FANCY SEX TOY

Because orgasms don't need to come from someone else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

5. Surround yourself with people that wont put up with your shit

I'm going to be frank. You have about a month limit where you can whine and mope and get drunk and cry to your friends 'But we were so ha-ha-ha-happyyyyyyy', before everyone starts to avoid you and take wine glasses out of your hands. 

You need to buck the hell up and surround yourself with people that will keep you distracted and keep you sane. What worked for me was being with my flatmates a LOT of the time, just talking or watching stuff or going for breakfast. I made them my replacement boyfriend and holy hell did it work. I wasn't lonely anymore, I just wasn't. My emotional needs were being met by a group of people and that was the best possible thing to happen to me. 

 

6. PRETEND THEY'RE DEAD. 

Just kidding. Kind of. (It kind of works).