We spend a lot of time and energy trying to get a date, lock down a good* man, choosing elaborately posed pictures to put in your tinder profile that hide your armpit boob fat and make your butt look the best possible way - but what happens AFTER all that shit.

*good aka  #NoFuckBoysAllowed

What happens after you meet someone who's the tits, and you're fabulously happy and so stoked to be out of the dating game? 

Ya gotta keep. shit. special. fam. 

We've collated all our favourite ways of getting all David Blaine up in this bitch aka - keeping the magic alive in a long term relationship. 


  • Shave your legs then have him try and find the one patch of hair that you definitely missed. Share a laugh about how uncomfortably long the hair is. 
  • Every time they bend over to do something, run up behind them and aggressively hip thrust into them. Then bolt away laughing, it will legit get funnier every time you do it. 
  • Feeling saucy? Wear a DIFFERENT baggy t-shirt to bed then you normally do. 
  • Instead of saying 'I don't know' when you're asked what you want for tea, ask them instead and assert dominance. 
  • Watch a show together so you can both hate the same character and get all riled up at the same thing for once. 
  • Tag them in approximately 8-9 memes per day, and keep a good combo of weird animals, and relationship memes. Duh.
  • Decline invitations to go out on the weekends and instead, get drunk at home. Who needs friends when the bathrooms are so accessible and the booze is cheaper. Also you don't need to wear pants. 
  •  You don't need to pretend you only eat healthy food anymore, and you definitely don't need to eat in a ladylike manner. Impress your partner by taking the Mad Mex 1kg burrito challenge and smoke his bitch ass. 
  • Steal their phone and put a very unattractive photo of yourself as their background. This ensures they are thinking of you all the time AND when they see you next IRL, they remember that you're not actually that ugly, and you look really pretty in comparison. Win win. 
  • Affectionately name their special area with a very normal name. Like John. That way you can blatantly say in public:
     "Omg I'm so excited to go home and see John!"
    "Is John coming to see me tonight?" 
    "John looked really good this morning." 

    Maybe don't make any real life friends named John.
  • Begrudgingly participate in their favourite activities. The best reason for this is that you can use these things are bargaining chips for later - i.e I watched the rugby, he had to watch WonderWoman with me. 
  • Keep all bodily functions to yourself. Girls don't fart or poop obviously, so wait till they leave and then toot your life away. Your horrid stomach cramps from holding in farts are nothing compared to the appearance of being sweet and innocent. 
  • Men love surprises. If you are really struggling to keep things lively, show your love by getting your face as close as possible to theirs, without touching it in the middle of the night. Then wait for him to wake up. 

With all these tips, I have no doubt your relationship will flourish and blossom and you will be preggo and married in no time. You're welcome. 

*disclaimer. This article is complete satire, and if you take it seriously, that's your fault and not mine. Yolo. 

    Also if you wanted to see what I actually set as my bf's lock screen: behold.