WE'RE ALL WEIRD WHEN WE'RE HOME ALONE
Everyone is weird, no matter how hard they try to hide it in public (I see you, Jenny). Some of us are pretty good at hiding the crazy when we're out, so when we get those precious, sacred times when you're home alone and the house is dead silent - you just FEEL THE TENSION LEAVE YOUR BODY.
You are free.
Free to be your true gremlin self. Live your best life without fear of judgement.
I called on some folks to anonymously share the weird shit we do when we're home alone and I'm sharing the list with you so we can all relish in the fact that we are all indeed, gross and amazing.
WEIRD SHIT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE HOME ALONE:
- Narrate what you do while you're cooking like you have your own cooking show on the food channel, and the neighbours cats watch.
- Pick your face to oblivion. Oops.
- Stand in front of the kitchen cupboard and eat 11 cheds in a row.
- Try and get all your farts out before your boyfriend gets home. SECRET TOOTS.
- Poop with the door open. Hi friends. It's me, pooping.
- Watch proposal videos on YouTube and cry a bit.
- Put fake tan on and walk around in the nude awkwardly because tan drying nakedness is NOT sexy or cute. It's sticky and you have boob and roll lines from sweat while you wait. #glam
- Stalk your ex. Stalk your exes ex. Stalk your exes exes new gf. CSI Miami motherfucker.
- Balance things on your boobs just to see if you can.
- Try and sing like Cher. It's really fucking fun.
- Break all the rules with your pets. ALL ANIMALS ARE ALLOWED ON THE BED/THE COUCH/ACTUALLY IN THE BED WITH ME...
- Secretly look through your partners shit, just cause you're bored.
- Completely TRASH the house, then panic tidy when you see them walk up the path home. Being a secret slob is the best kind of slob.
- Buy all your favourite food, then smash it all down your gob and hide the evidence so you don't have to fucking share any of it.
- Helicopter penis or bounce your boobs up and down just for funsies.
- Stand nude in front of the mirror and just see what's goin on there. What's happening, is everything chill, is everything copacetic. Shaka.
- Put a LOT of make up on for absolutely no fucking reason. Then wipe that shit allllllll off.
Go forth. Now you know that most people are a bit freaky when they're on their own, even Karen that bitch from your office who always comments on your lunch.