MY NOURISHING, WONDERFUL MORNING ROUTINE

My alarm goes off. Well one of my alarms. I have to have three you see, because I prefer to wake up not refreshed and with the morning sun, but with the harsh bitch slap in the face that is overtly aggressive alarms. It fills me with the right kind of energy I need to take on the day. 

 

I always spend some time cuddling my partner before we rise, because he is so special and we're incredibly connected, not because I'm fucking cold and he is a literal walking sauna. Nah, not that. 

 

I spend some time meditating before I start my routine. Then I have a stroke because I realise I'm not actually meditating, I've just gone back to sleep and am now 10 minutes late. 

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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day as we all know, so I like to nourish my body with a plentiful spread of lukewarm instant coffee with sugar, and some potentially expired protein yoghurt even though I don't go the the gym ever. 

 

I used to be of the belief that you shouldn't check social media first thing in the morning, but if I don't bury myself in memes and shitty facebook videos while I drink coffee, then I have to actually hear the droll that comes out of shitstains Mark Richardson and Duncan Garners mouths while my bf watches the news. I choose my mental health and memes, because I practise #selflove. 

 

When it comes to make up, I'm all about simplicity. It's simple - I put as much on my face as needed to make me look and feel alive and not vitamin D deficient. It's usually a lot.  

I have awful skin, because I'm not a beautiful magazine person and I don't have money to spend on ridiculous skincare made from angel turds, so the process takes a while. 

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Once I've spent half an hour to look passably mediocre, I burn my hair to shreds for a while and then likely give up and put it in a bun. 

 

I would describe my style as "Buys a lot from cotton on outlet stores" and I like to feel just so comfortable in my skin, so clothes should fit that mindset too. That's why my pants are always stretchy and I'm usually wearing a baggy top so you can't see the muffin underneath. Embrace who you are and you will be naturally stylish, obviously, and not at all like a hot mess. 

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If it's a nice day outside, me and my partner will walk to work. There's nothing like blisters and wind ruined hair to set your workday off right! I'm fairly sure everyone just thinks my sweat is really good highlighter. Last week I sprained my ankle walking in, maybe that's the universes way of telling me to slow down and appreciate life. Or maybe I'm a fucking idiot. 

 

If I can't walk, I squash into a vehicle filled with approximately 80 other wet, rude, humans reeking of BO where I never get to sit down, and head off for a wonderful enlightening day of life. 

 

Life laugh love, rhiana xoxox 

 

(satire, obviously. duh)

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