RELATIONSHIP MILESTONES

This is Sebastian. His title is 'Rhiana's Boyfriend', I'm better at him at air hockey, he's better than me at bowling, and in about two weeks we move in together. 

It's one of those milestones that makes or breaks a couple, no matter where in their relationship they are. Sometimes, the the big move turns you into overly aggressive roommates that leave petty post it notes about cleaning the FUCK up after yourselves. Or, you become even closer and all you do is mutually sit about in your underpants watching Masterchef and eating peanut m&ms in blissful happiness. 

 

A lot of the time, it's both. 

 

In terms of relationship milestones, it's a big one. But my favourite milestones are the slightly embarrassing ones - because they're the most fun to look back on. Like the first time my best friend farted in front of me by accident. It was truly a great day. 

 

All good relationships will go through a variety of milestones, these are my favourites. Make a sticker chart and mark off how many you've surpassed - if you make it to the end, you get a big ol' bottle of wine cause mates, you deserve it for all this shit. 

 

FIRST SLEEPOVER 

Maybe it's your first date, maybe it's the tenth, but either way it's possibly the most restless sleep of your damn life. You obviously didn't take your make up off, you're wearing cute but uncomfortable sleepwear because its all part of the guise to pretend that you are a golden glowy perfect human being that totally definitely sleeps in lace. You will wake up obscenely early and sneak to the bathroom to brush your hair with your fingers, wipe eyeliner off your face, and hastily smell check your pits and bits to make sure you didn't sweat too much in your sleep. You sneaky dog, you. 

 

FIRST TIME ONE OF YOU GETS BELIGERENT DRUNK

The best part about this milestone, is when it's not you who gets sloppy drunk. You spend the whole night listening to bad renditions of 'DON'T STOP. BELIVEEEEIN'. Maybe stop for a lil puke on the way home. The lovingly sloppy kisses and declarations of feelings. Then, the inevitable awful next day, where they spend the whole day in a blanket burrito with blue powerade and dry toast and you get to lovingly rip on them for being such a lightweight drunken mess. It's grand. 

*In this case it was me. We went to Seb's work christmas party and I flashed my bum to him in the middle of the road on the way home. Regret. 

 

THE FIRST EMERGENCY POOP 

If this was at their house, and the bathroom was in earshot, mate I am so so sorry because that is the the absolute worst thing ever. The sweats, the utter panic in your heart - a little bit of your allure dies that day. RIP. 

The first time I had to emergency poop at Sebs, I realised his toilet had this FUCKING LUNATIC handle on it and I couldn't flush it. I stayed in there for a full extra 15 minutes attempting to flush my shame down the drain, and I couldn't work it out so I had to sheepishly get him to do it for me. I almost cried, I'm serious.  

 

SEX MISHAPS 

Maybe it's a broken condom, a lost condom, a earth shattering queef, or a cheeky bit of ED - something awkward's gonna happen and you're gonna have to take it like the champs you are. You know you're in a killer relationship if someone can queef and you just laugh and carry on. 

 

WHEN YOU STOP BEING TERRIFIED THAT THEY'RE GONNA LEAVE YOU

If you've had some bad luck in your past dating life, the lingering feeling of 'what the fuck will i do if they just leave or change their mind', kind of stays in your head for at least 6 months. it varies for every couple, but there's a part of you that just tries an extra bit harder, loves a little bit harder, that is just a tiny bit worried because you love them SO MUCH and you're batshit terrified they'll go. 

But one day you wake up with them and they go and get you a coffee, and you're in bed on the internet in happy silence and all of a sudden you're not so scared anymore. 

 

WHEN YOU STOP SHAVING SO OFTEN

SWEET FUCKING FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANY OF BODY HAIR MAINTENANCE. Thats a great moment. 

 

YOU SEND MORE UGLY SNAPCHATS THAN SEXY ONES

 

WHEN YOU MEET THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Sometimes, it's hard to even tell which is gonna be worse. Friends are SO TOUGH. You have to be friendly, but not overly friendly, funny, but not Captain Jokey Fucker, you gotta be fun but not 'flash your tits' fun. Minefield I tell you . 

At least with the parents, your only thing is 'be better than the last person'. Pays to find out if the last partner they met was nuts, that works in your favour.

 

MOST OF YOUR COMMUNICATION IS TAGGING EACH OTHER IN MEMES 


Loves true language.